Making love out of nothing at all

The most intense form of sensory pleasure that we humans can experience is having sex.  It engages all our five senses and mind at the same time. There is no other feeling more overwhelming than the contentment drawn from this act. The only catch is you need another person to fully enjoy it, participate with, similar mood and attraction. We like to share something we enjoy most by default with the person closest or most important to us, namely our spouse/lover. But doing an activity together doesnt make it an expression of your love. 

Its ironic that the person you start having physical relations with suddenly holds paramount importance in your life. We go all out for them, even out of our way to please them. I have observed to the extent that people behave out of character, go below self-esteem to win the appreciation of their desired one. Even though our family members are the first ones to  take care of us in myriad selfless ways but our sexual partner gets all the privileges and priority. 

Whoever coined the phrase 'making love' surely did so in throes of passion of carnal desires. As it means two people having sex and it has nothing to do with love. If its actually love then why is it restricted to just one relationship at a time. It doesn't extend to everybody you claim to love in your life. How do you differentiate between love in your various relations? We obviously claim to love our friends, relatives, family without a hint of sexuality. Our society allows us to have multiple platonic relations with members of opposite gender but directs us for only one sexual relation at a time and should not include family members (incest), as polygamy and incest may have disrupting & corrupting effects and implications. There can be a chaos of jealousy, dominance and possessiveness. Many a crimes have been known as a result of a person not able to tame their sexual desires and fantasies. They use any foul means possible to achieve its fulfillment like taking advantage of helplessness or forcing themselves on others. 

How does act of copulation depict an expression of love? We dont express it to everyone we love and nor do we harbor the fantasy of expressing it. At times when we cross the taboo line of being sexual with someone we are not supposed to. Its very common for people to hide it to great lengths, when they fail to do so life becomes miserable. As the guilt burdens them incessantly. Yet occurrence of such weakness is fairly well known and common to us humans. 

Sex is pure lust and its an animal instinct in us like many others. As most animals dont differentiate while choosing their mating partner. I suppose labeling it to be lust is belittlement for some people. As lust may be seen as something degraded and uncivilized where as an act of love is all pious (pun intended). The purpose of sex is simply procreation and not recreation. If we claim it to be a right given by nature to exercise & exploit then why use artificial means of contraception available today. As  earth would be bursting with human population without control.   

I often find it very funny to observe that most couples when go for social purpose, dress up there best. Many a times you can find women dressed in a very provocative and revealing manner even when casually stepping out. But then everybody has there own definitions these days. If those women are already with their partners (lovers and spouses) then they have no reason to attract more attention to their physical beauty. Isnt the whole idea of looking sexually desirable meant for your partner’s eyes only? They shouldnt have any motive to look enticing in least manner. Yet you see everyone proud to flaunt the looks of their companion and often gift fancy attire to highlight it. They would try to look as attractive as possible and go at lengths by spending time, money & energy to achieve the effect. In case of singles its very well understandable but for the rest of them, its beyond thinkable for my feeble mind. You find profile pictures and photo ablums on various social media where people are deliberately posing dressed up in a way only your spouse/lover should see you. But as long as its not nightwear/lingerie, its accepted as normal. Some even say, if you have it then why not flaunt it.

Its normal and natural for adults to engage in sex with consent of your partner. I always advise couples to only do so at rare occasions. Its a beautiful experience to share. But if something is worth cherishing and easily accessible then we tend to over do it. Excess of everything will render it without charm. You can use that time to spend quality time with your beloved in various other ways. Its just like cutting cake on your birthday and anniversary. Its something meant for special occasions only. Doing it often will ultimately make one of the partner lose interest? It can get very difficult when only one of you is in the mood. The frequency of sex with your partner is not a parameter of love for that person. Once you have done it enough for few years then the sex life becomes pale and dull. Lack of sexual excitement with your partner becomes a major reason of failing relations, falling marriages and then they seek to spice things up in any which way. Even after a quarrel or differences, couples seek to make up with sex for reassurance. Its just the opposite approach of what should be. If you maintain a decent gap then such loss wouldnt happen in the first place. If you see the same scenery for few years then it becomes boring. Similarly couples while engaging into copulation with full lights on or during day time are prone to lose interest in each other very easily. As after a while the same body having repeatedly seen, doesnt arouse desires. They feel helpless as sexual needs are still there but the lack of gratification makes them wander mentally.

Anger and lust are form of same force within us. When under influence we tend to forgo everything important around us. Where anger always leads to devastating effects, lust when unchained & unchartered can lead to worse havocs. Just like anger needs to be managed and controlled, so is lust. Both being natural impulses doesnt mean we can or should express it as and when we desire. The one who can fathom this and rise above both can achieve unthinkable heights.

Celibacy is a way of life for rare few on earth. People of different cultures, countries, civilizations have observed great benefits of it at different era of time. But its value has been universally acknowledged. Sportsmen, scholars, researchers, scientists, philosophers, thinkers and spiritualpractitioners stress upon abstaining from sex to conserve our physical, mental and psychic energies. Such energy can then be utilized anywhere we focus it. After all its this energy that leads to creation of another life like us.  

 

you can't see if you always keep looking

Even though we are always looking for what we seek knowingly and unknowingly, we cant see it. The most profound and evident feelings, emotions and experience cant be seen with our naked eyes. It requires delving inside. We all have felt at some point ecstatic joy & happiness. It doesnt matter what was its triggering cause as the source always remains in our heart. Whether it is a warm embrace of our beloved one, excessive sensory pleasure, affection from your mother, holding your child, etc. We tend to close our eyes to let it engulf our very existence for that moment, to savour it fully. Even something that hasnt got anything to do with emotions like a perfect breeze, we have to close our eyes to cherish it. Its an involuntary action. As these are some of the most beautiful moments of our life and our eyes arent required to see them. We keep looking to increasingly experience such joy or enhance it but cant see it anywhere. It just happens when it has to happen.

If only one could identify the exact location of the rise and dissolve of this wonderful feeling that emanates in our heart, we wouldnt be dependent for its trigger. May be even hold on to it for as long as we want or have a constant flow.

After a long day of hard work, wasted time, dream coming true or any other circumstances, it has to end the same as every other day. We lie down and close our eyes to sleep. Whether its joy or sadness, whether you want it to pass away or hold to it forever. The strength to accept the inevitable tragedy or joy of success that we have craved for the longest time. It has to be processed with our eyes closed eventually. When you are praying with all your faith and devotion, you close your eyes. All the important instances that occur in our life are only seen with closed eyes.

We derive our strength to look forward to what each day brings by not looking. The clarity to see things in their right light comes from not looking. It is considered the worst kind of torture for any human when they are not allowed to sleep for more than 72 hours. As those few hours of not looking every night during our sleep is essential for existence. Else it drives us insane.

If you want to expand your potential, gain clarity towards the purpose of your endeavors, get answers to inexplicable questions and instances, ultimately experience limitless peace & love, you just have to consciously close your eyes, to be at complete rest. Its the epicenter of answers to so many mysteries, most of which subconsciously plague us through out our lives. Its the ultimate door we need to enter to cater to all our needs of Safety, Love and belonging, Esteem and self-actualization.

When we look at it literally then there is nothing to be found. As without any objectivity we dont know what to relate with or begin with. One has to be a lateral thinker to take this chance, be at a saturation of craving, exasperated with the fleetingness of things. Its like a journey in uncharted planes with nothing at your disposal, full of uncertainity but no fear to losing anything.

What we see may not necessarily be real and we cant see yet doesnt imply;  it cant be real. 

Life is a debt!

When an infant cries over a broken clay toy, we smile affectionately at the silliness; when a child raises hell over separation with a friend owing to change of school/city, we smile and cajole them out of it; when a young one nags over a new toy or candy, we convince them out of it by all means. We all act so grown up, wise and pragmatic in such situations but fail miserably when facing the same. As we age, our ego builds a false notion of value importance for various things people we are interested in. If only we d instill the same knowledge given taken in our childhood, lifewould be much more sorted. We would nt cry, fight or be depressed for some acquisition and separation of our beloved ones for whatever reason it may have occurred. We struggle all the time to gain what we dont have already or was ours once, but rarely appreciate fully or be grateful to the universal giver.

It is comprehensible when a child acts like this but not when grown ups do. The primary most important reason is what we have failed to understand utterly that life everything which comes with it, is a debt on us. We owe it to something/someone we dont know, dont understand and unfortunately dont care. Nothing here is ours and no matter what claims we may prove over someone or something, it wont become ours.

The first thing that strikes me is the end of life, how its unsure and not in our hands. So all the things at our disposal and things that we may gain access to eventually, by acquiring them somehow or the other, are with us for an uncertain amount of time. We are all born in varied circumstances, financial condition, family members, location, religion, weather, health, etc. We cannot determine any of these for ourselves and nor can anybody else. They are pre-ordained. If we look around, various children are born with certain disabilities ailments. But most of us have been gifted with almost perfect senses to experience this world. Are we really ever grateful for that? We have eyes, ears, tongue, nose, face, arms, legs, mind, brain, etc. The very basic essentials to live life. They are all taken for granted to be our rightful property.

We all have been given so much but we fail to even acknowledge the courtesy. If someone dear to us is sick, disabled, hurt or dead, we cry over it, get sad or depressed. If any of our precious belonging/acquisition gets lost, damaged, stolen or taken against our will, we crave it like anything and almost like our life depends on it. If someone snatches our status, post or insults us in some way damaging our position amongst our peers, society, workplace, etc. basically hurting our ego, its such a devastating experience. Why is it that we are so oblivious to the fact that none of it is ours. It is been given to us or made available to us. Even we have acquired or build something over time with efforts, remember the time, efficiency talent was not originally ours. We are just temporary caretakers with certain perks.

There is a owner of everything we perceive knowingly or unknowingly, things we are aware of yet or not. His system is very intricate, immaculate and flawless. Just because we dont know it, doesnt mean it doesnt exist and just because we dont understand it, doesnt mean its flawed. The nature and all its beings features are in perfect sync bound by a certain law pattern governed by the owner.

We all must spend some time to express our gratitude someway or the other, by praising the giver/owner in our hearts, by contributing means at our disposal to those who dont have, doing selfless service of any kind to those in need and most of all spread his kindness, love generosity to everybody we come across with equanimity. Otherwise its a disastrous waste to die eventually with a narrow mind and selfish attitude.

We are all self-inflicted slaves

How can you be happier and more satisfied in your life? I thought of using this as a title of this post. Its the most common question asked and answered in self-help/improvment guides. But I realized it has something to do with the submissive nature of ours. Hence I consider us all self-inflicted slaves to our mind.

The happiness and satisfaction of our lives is a state or experience of our mind. We pereceive things through our senses and experience it in our mind. Mostly it lasts for a very short time, before again our mind projects a new situation/condition to make us feel incomplete. We keep trying and experimenting with various things, people and situations around us. We try to determine how to make the best out of them to our benefit or for people we care. We see, hear, taste, smell, touch and feel everything at our disposal in our own way. Thereby to establish a meaning or connection to it. There are myriad subjects available to us whether we know them all yet or not. 

There lies the catch, the constant endeavor to please our mind, convince it, satisfy it, etc. We confuse our satisfaction to be that of our minds'. As unfortunately 99% of us dont know our identity beyond our mind and body. No I am not refering to us being a soul. As soul too just comprises of our subtle body. But I am not even talking about various layers of our existence here. 

You will have to experiment this on your own to realize what I am trying to say here purely out of my own experience. First of all lets just do away with the barrier of any kind of fear of society, law, etc. As they prevent us from taking into action many thoughts that may occur to us at times. We dont want to pay heed to those kind of feeling and desires here. We all have our sense of righteousness based on our upbringing, culture, education and exposure. So there are again many actions we avoid out of that obligation. So now we narrow down to all actions & activities which are unconditional and free from prejudice or dire consequences. 

We spend all of our time & energy for ourselves and/or things/people we deem important to us. But you have to at least try to go out of your way even if it costs you a bit and keep yourself open to do something for someone self-lessly. You have to deduce that the outcome is not benefitial to you in anyway you can understand for now. There is nothing in return you expect from it. Again you can choose any activity for the same. But I suppose you get the gist. The heart of the matter here is that do something willingly against your mind's wish everyday for sometime. Be it assisting somebody helpless whom you dont know, tending to anybody in need, planting trees in remote places, cleaning places where we dont hangout, etc. 

I would like to stress here again that I am pointing towards things you either dont notice because you are too busy and self-absorbed in your own life or dont consciously take out time for. Even if you start with half an hour a day, it can yield results you cant possibly imagine. All you need to do is cut sometime out of your next weekend getaway, coffee with a dear one, a little bit from your sleep, etc. The more you dont like to do or cant do the better. It can be a sick relative you dont like to visit or some distant aquaintance in very poor & helpless state. If its strangers in these conditions then all the more better. You should force yourself out of the reverie of selfish pursuits & gains. For a change expand your heart, broaden your mind and choose to be different from animals. 

There is so much stress & confusion at every nook and corner of our life today. Essentially because all our energies our constantly focused to just please our mind. It has gradually made us very selfish and focused only on our feelings and desires. My career, my companion, my family, my friends, my ideology, my aim, my ambition, my desire, my wish...............We have become so predictable and boring indirectly.

Interestingly, this is also the essence of meditation. Its meant for you to exercise control over your mind & body for sometime and avoid them from participating in any conscious activity. To refrain from all feelings, thoughts, ideas, movements for a shortwhile everyday. The most vivid and direct way to confront your true nature. To be completely comfortable and in acceptance of who you are. Before you venture out in the world with your expectations & ideas and hoping people to see you in the right light. Its the most primary selfless activity from which you cant derive anything physical. It gradually opens up the capacity in you pay more attention to everything around, to be aware, to have greater & longer focus on your determination, to contribute to existence in its entirety with however small a contribution. To be happier & more satisfied in your skin.   

Perils of Pretense

For as long as I can remember there have often been some things around that stopped making sense. I used question myself and people around me. I would always get the same advice from others that is to ignore it and pretend it never happened. How long can I/we ignore the inevitable? Isnt it the greatest gift of being human that we can question, ponder, anlyse, contemplate and learn. Everything is changing around us but in a manner that the pattern seems very complicated. Can we just let it be?

A lot of my friends advocate being full of acceptance and prefer to not question. I fail to fathom the ground on which we hold our beliefs, virtues & principles when we just dont dig into the heart of the matter of things we value the most. Still I ask the silliest of example : if your next salary credit is reduced to half, wouldnt you question your employer ? if your landlord randomly turns up one morning and starts throwing your stuff forcing you to vacate, wouldnt you protest ? if your monthly electricity, water, mobile bill suddenly jumps 4 times, wouldnt you try to find out the details? The answer is obvious. Yet any matters pertaining to our life, health, people, relations, society are just left and picked randomly at our convenience. We have actually become so materialistic because of our pursuits. What actually makes us human or differs us from all other life forms? Is it that we can totally focus all of our life on just two goals namely - proffession & companionship. Once we have both then we have earned the right to be frivolous.

I may be sounding cynical or preposterous but my observations are purely driven by compassion and solicitude. But if I am not making sense then surely I am lacking words to put it across in the desired manner. 

We are not machines and we are not fools chasing a mirage. We are much more, we are beautiful, we are human, we are alive and best thing is we know it. Yes everything we do, indirectly is an attempt to feel alive constantly. Any accomplishment and achievement is like one more step towards being more alive, to feel complete. But any failure puts us back by like 100 steps. The affect of our success often turns to be much weaker than our failure. 

Is it really alright to move on every time? we are always too busy to stop willingly for introspection and analysis. Nature always forces us to halt through myriad excuses. We all have to wait somewhere or the other many times. Yes turely now a days our handy gadgets have a way to even avoid that. But somehow we have become capable of facing many people socially online than we could ever gather the courage to be face to face with. Because we can pretend behind an Id/profile. We can put the faces/pictures we like, proclaim any status we are safe with and best of all you dont have to confront anybody with a response. You can block/ignore anyone.

We have so many faces virutally and in reality. We are not the same with everyone. In fact we are playing roles all the time and mostly just to safeguard our ego/individuality. There is a constant fear of facing people the way we truely our, as we might be judged or not accepted. A wall of pretension is secretly guarded by all humanity. The biggest peril is that we our ultimately and inevitably losing ourselves.

Few months back at a very close friend's place I was questioned by his landlord who was an elderly man. In his first statement itself he had a strong despising opinion towards my living an irresponsible life. In a way I cant reckon why and in a way I know his bias. Later I was contemplating alone that whether he ever questioned his tenants who having chosen their life partners are living far away from their hometown/parents individually in pursuit of their career. As this has become an acceptable, respectable & responsible way of life. The concept of family being together is already gone and this gentleman (landlord) believed I am being unjust to my family by choosing the life of a monk. The deduction boils down to this, if I were to choose a girl to get married and a job of my choice, then if I stayed thousand KM away from my parents/family , its perfectly alright. What an irony and what a paradox!

In order to be true to my words or preach only what I practise. I often speak these words when I meet people, I am considered harsh, irrational, rude and hence ulitmately despised & ignored. Basically I am suppose to pretend infront of my friends, relatives, aquaintances and strangers. Everyone except to my self but can I really sustain like that. By not being true just to remain polite & acceptable.

I wish all the best to everybody who is and who is not seeking, whatever is their pursuit. 

The flight of a kite is similar to our ever wandering mind

Always wanting to tread familiar or unfamiliar skies, horizons & wind. Such is the plight of our mind. Its always chasing nothings in the thin air. It struggles if there is no wind of subjects of our senses. However light or strong our mind just wants to ride the sky. Its hung on the loose string at times and goes to fast chasing the blind dreams at times. The rush is so strong that we take the fall by getting our fingers cut and hurting ourselves by following the mind. However long the flight maybe or it may just be a brief one but the end result is more nothing. It wanders around ceaselessly climbing the winds and no matter how high it reaches, it adds nothing to what already exists nor does it take away anything. Just like this world we live in everyday, the sky is endless too. We do the same thing everyday of our life in a futile attempt to gain some meaning to our existence but reach no where.

In fact the beginning is so tough most of the days when the wind/circumstance is not favorable. There are plenty of obstacles around like the buildings, trees, pillars, wires, etc. Each posing the same threat metaphorically and further fueling the fire to go up above in the sky. I d say rather they give you a fleeting chance to realize the reality but its so evident & vivid that we actually miss it.

Once you manage to hit the skies, its not just over yet as now we come face to face with other kites (people and their minds). Some share the same space with you without interfering anything while others are much more aggressive and try to cut your string of this false hope. There ensues a relentless battle of existence & competition. The survival of the strongest, fittest or luckiest. Who can go highest in the sky while destructing the existence of others in their way. The more strings you cut ending others attempt at success & recognition, the more your ego gets boosted. You can hear the boastful yell often. The most hilarious part is when some people actually try to latch on to the lost dream of others, manage to wrap the other cut off kites to theirs and bring it down. I guess there must be some pride in owning many dreams (kites) which I cannot fathom.

Its very funny to witness all this when I hit the roof. The flyers around are lost in the dreams of reaching high skies, beating down others, straining their eyes, skin, arms and shoulders, neglecting food, weather & the sun. Ultimately everyone has to bring their kites down by the evening. Yes some like to venture out in the skies even at night with lanterns attached to their stringed kites. But however long they try to have fun in the lonesome sky, yet gradually they bring theirs kites down too. So even if you manage to survive others & struggle to prove your self to co-exist, but all the hopes, dreams, chase, ambition, quests, settle down. No lesson is learnt and the same efforts begin from square one everyday.

Why is it necessary to fly a kite if you want to spend time on the roof? I mean why is it necessary to run after something all the time. You can just see the beauty around and relax. If you keep the eventuality of this game in sight and then fly a kite just for fun (living everyday), how wonderful it can be. There’d be no pain, fear or anxiety. It will be just a child’s play and thats exactly what its meant to be.

The kite of our minds knows no rest and exhausts us everyday. Please stop being governed for a moment and live life on your own terms. Unless you even consider the notion then you wouldnt know if it exists or is possible.

Everything is changing except you

Why does it happen? will remain an unanswered question if we try to put it in words but it can only be realized within. All the people you meet, love, care for, live with, see everyday or are strangers have only one thing common in them, they are constantly changing. That is why more often than not our expectations either get let down or get fulfilled more than we expected. Our mind is going through so much every millisecond that it wouldn't be possible to ascertain a pattern. Otherwise we will all be very predictable and won't remain individuals but clones. Yes I totally agree that you might come across the same behavior for few years in a stretch but it does change ultimately as they are all vulnerable to circumstances. As we often hear or say while conversing that he/she is a different person now or they have grown up now.

This is as much a boon as its a disaster. Now why this fickleness is a boon, only this innate nature can lead to evolution or any kind of realization. If you get fixated then you become stagnant, rigid or stuck. But if you never question or understand this. If you just accept it like this or turn a blind eye then your chances of ever learning the truth will majorly diminish. On the other hand this human nature is a disaster as it leads to most quarrels, dissatisfaction, dysfunction or chaos. As this can't be understood from outside by any external means, ways or theories. This can only be realized within.

Whatever you might hold on to and however dear it might be to you. Either that thing, person or situation will eventually change or your outlook/attitude towards it will change. Its really tough to determine then what is of actual value/importance or what can you hold onto and expect it to remain same or it to matter the same to you forever. Well nothing here is forever. Ignorance is bliss but how many of you reading this are actually that ignorant to believe that anything would last the same. All the pride, acquisition, status & wealth of the world cannot satisfy our ever wandering minds.

I am often questioned why I chose this spiritual life suddenly or how did it happen to me. What led to the complete change? etc. etc. Well I could never point to any one thing or incidence that led me to choose the current lifestyle/belief/understanding. But I am very certain of the fact that it really disturbed me always to see everything around me constantly changing. Every person I know, have met or heard/seen is changing. All places I have been to, seem changed the next time I see them. I had a chance to travel from a very young age with my family and after growing up I have been traveling alone a lot. Whenever I am in a new place, the realization never fails to strike that the place I call home is just in my memory. It has no relevance what so ever in my current location. If I will ever return to my last destination is not entirely sure as it depends on lot of factors.

Though the only thing I have learnt or experienced that never changes is your person, your being, experience of your self. Whether as a child, a teen, an adult or grown up. The way you are remains the same. Your fundamental needs remain the same. Your craving for affection/care, security, belongingness or the need to avoid pain and fear. Most of the pursuits are same and just the measures we take to achieve fulfillment or happiness keep changing. Everybody needs satisfaction, fulfillment and happiness. We all want to feel complete and keep doing everything in our capacity to avoid anything we feel averse to. In a way we never evolve as we want to the same things all our life in different intensity and form. Our capabilities remain sufficient only to change the ways but not to realize or satiate the need/want completely.

The human body is constantly undergoing changes and this ultimately leads to our corporeal demise. The life within us which is a form of energy never gets destroyed. So remain the thoughts, desires, aspirations, wants, needs, ideas, dreams. Unless we consciously let go of these. They remain embedded with us. Yet we never like things around us to significantly change once we get used to and comfortable with a certain person or situation. If we are bored we seek change of company and place but keep repeating the process. As we keep getting bored of the change too. Everything is changing around us and we can't really handle it but there is always something new to look forward to. Hence it never strikes us to be bothersome.

I might be an unfortunate person by the definition of many as I don't come across even a few people who perceive things like this. At least history is evident that time and again there have been seekers, aspirants & philosophers who observed and experienced the ephemeral nature of everything. Those are the ones who sought the truth behind it all and some of them realized the ultimate truth. The key lies solely within you. All the answers lie within us. Life is unpredictable and don't let your chance go by living aimlessly in pursuit of things that stop mattering to you over a period. You are gifted with the ability to seek the constant and everlasting joy & happiness of life, the ultimate satisfaction which won't be fleeting.

You are you and will remain so. You were never young and you will never grow old. You were never born and hence you will never die. You are complete in absolute sense and totally independent. Do not pursue your tendencies and desires blindly. As they are not your own. They have been picked and adopted through our surrounding/company/experience of whats only outside. You are truly beautiful but its not possible to see through eyes. As eyes would only see the reflection and not the real you.

Victim of lonliness

We are at our loneliest state when we are in deep sleep. We all wake up feeling very fresh from it and its essential for our existence. Still in our so called wakeful state we try and run away as much as we can from this physical & mental inactive state. All the wonders of today’s world and the ones from yesteryear are a result of being alone completely. As it has endless possibilities & potential hidden to explore and discover.
Its amongst the first realization we all have even as a child. The wail of an infant is full of loneliness which also expresses other emotions such as insecurity and fear. The mother’s warm hold takes away all this pain and anxiety in a jiffy.
Does it really abandon us as we grow up or does it lurk at every corner and instance of our lives. Over the years of evolution the same loneliness has led to inventions, professions, discoveries, hobbies and most importantly entertainment. In fact the most common way of describing or differentiating our personalities is by the number of ways we are good at, or know to avoid loneliness. Sports, vacations, movies, adventure, music, poetry, painting, sculpting……and so many other things named as recreational activities in the shadow of overcoming our biggest fear. Even drinking, smoking or other substance abuse are attempts to get rid of the same evil.
Finding trues friends, having close relatives, joining social clubs, meaningful relationship, genuine companionship, etc. to find love, affection, care, belongingness and emotional security with the help of others in our lives. Their presence might shield you but you cant avoid or deny it. As no matter if it’s a physical activity or something emotional, they all are ephemeral. Yes, as a child your favorite action hero figure or your stuff toy could suffice when mom went to sleep in other room but for how many years. You kept finding new ways, works, activities and people but how many stay in our lives all the time. The search for true love, the concept of marriage, finding a soul mate are all over rated. As you can attempt to run but you cant hide. We make feeble attempts of saving and cherishing memories of times when we were not lonely but just like a childhood toy doesn’t fascinate you in your adulthood similarly memories start fading and lose their charm. You cant just shun reality which is so stark in your face.
When our dear ones die or when we fight a illness or injury in a bed, it’s a nature’s way of reminding us. Ultimately you are alone. Even in a group of friends, house full of family or by yourself up in the mountains. Whatever you feel inside your heart is experienced by you only, can your voice express exactly what you went through at a certain time, even if it was the closest or best attempt, was the right person infront of you every time, even if the right person was there, did you have their complete attention or the right frame of mind, huh??? You cant fool your soul now, can you? It doesn’t work out the way we want. Even Alexander with all his conquests and Einstein with all his discoveries & inventions experienced absolute loneliness at time of their corporeal departure and regretted. As nobody tries to find a real cure.
Honestly I used to fear loneliness always. Hence I could never forget a person or erase their memory with whom I felt myself, found affection or the other multitude of feelings we crave for and cherish. I am thirty now and thankfully I have been close to more people than I can count (may be I can count if I try). I have either experienced first hand, or heard from others who have confided in me, myriad kinds of emotions & feelings. Its interesting to observe that how nobody tries to unfold, derive or integrate from their experiences and learn more about our fundamental need or weakness. We are humans and hence capable of penetrating this surface. Each instance is crying out to reach us and reveal so much more if we can break our conventional barriers for some time. I feel much more than my age whenever I interact with others including people much more elder to me physically. Other than that I think everyone should be able to see, observe or analyse as much as I can or do at this age (a wish full thinking).
If you like to be by yourself, enjoy solitude in a quiet place, reclusion is your way to be. Even then you remain a victim of loneliness. Only and only if you can be by yourself without being active physically or mentally for sometime willingly everyday then you can say you have begun your journey towards accepting your fears, investigating the unknown. Eventually we all will meet the epitome of loneliness called death and keep witnessing others’ encounter. Its inevitable and it scares everyone consciously or sub-consciously. Even though there is nothing to be afraid of, nothing can stop you from knowing and being who you actually are. Quantum physicists are now finding out what has been known and documents since ages by saints and sages. They are labelling our existence as 20-watt of electricity/energy which cannot be created or destroyed and how it transcends to other parallel universe or form when this one reaches its end. I wont get into their theory but would like to point there is too much to discover if we abandon our cocoon for a while and take a dip in the vast ocean.
Loneliness churns up an yearning inside to reach out to someone or to grab hold to something. This yearning can lead us places we might not know to exist and even fear them for that reason. But I have never been more at peace than when I am all by myself trying to be inactive, to be one with nature, with my self. Yes it needs lot of effort and practise but the result is worth much more. I even wish to spend some time (months or years) where there is no other. Away from civilization may be. I want to learn, discover and realise all that there is to our being, our existence before my body reaches its end.

Unanswered Questions

Why did it happen? What does it mean? Did I or you really deserve this? Why do I or you admire something or someone so much? Why can't I or you stand something or someone at all?
What is love, success or fame? Who made these? Why do they become so important? How long do they last? Is there anything that lasts forever? Nobody wants to die but still everybody dies eventually, why? how? when? where? what? who?

There are myriad such questions that haunt us in our life span. Most of them remain unanswered or forgotten. As the trick is that there is always something that happens and takes our mind away from these. Most people fall for this and let go knowingly or unknowingly the pursuit of their answers.
Some of us arent that lucky and one or more such questions keep pondering over in our heads and taking us to the brink of saturation. Well I'd say that happens to only the lucky few of us. Though I agree it totally changes your life and its perspective. But isnt that what makes us human or different from other species.

We are but machines or animals, certainly not humans if we dont question and seek their answers.
We have been gifted by reason, logic & faith by mother nature amongst other attributes. Its our conveyance to understanding what lies beyond the vision of our eyes; to reach out and to expand our horizons. If you go on living daily lives like you have been forever and often when faced with inexplicable instances, you just choose to ignore or forget or not pay attention. Then my friend you are but a machine or a computer. You are just executing commands fed, led, forced and inspired by someone else.

Why wont we let go of memories and stop building expectation based on them? Why do we fantasize the future? Why staying/living in present seems so difficult? Why life doesnt always turn up the way we want it to? Even when some part of it does, why doesnt it stay like that? Why do we rush after something or someone putting at stake everything else? Why does it become so important? How & why does one prioritize whats to be done? What makes us careless at times, where does laziness seep in from? Why do humans hurt/dominate/exploit other humans? Why have we become our greatest enemy or danger to ourselves as humanity?

Though the way I observe it, we are relentlessly trying to find the answers at a subconscious level. We are trying to constantly do what we like or keep thinking about things/people we like without ever knowing why there is this certain liking for particular objects, situations and people. Yet there are certain expected or unexpected things we enjoy so much that it makes us forget everything else but only momentarily.

All the answers lie within but we need to penetrate beyond this body and mind. The tools we need are reason, logic, faith and enquiry. But remember to let go of the tools as well when you start moving ahead. As the tools cannot be there forever. They only suffice to take you to the carrier of your journey but the journey itself has to be done without any of these.

There is a desperate cry and plea in most actions around me. They all can't have a separate direction. They seem unanimously attempting to find out the truth which can lead one to all the answers at once. Different ways, methods, attempts all to find the unknown. In an artist's creativity, designer s creation, musician's composition, techies gadget hunt, developer's app, driver's ride. It's too overwhelming that it makes me cry often and I want to reach out, discover, find out my existence, my purpose, my creator, my self.
It's such a lonesome journey even though all of this crowd is unknowingly doing the same. They are searching the goods in the packets left by someone and I am looking for the one who left these packets here. Everyone finds something that catches them or attracts them and I can't satisfy my self with any of these contents. So dont even dare look for a partner in this journey as this is the one you have to do alone. As even your partner is actually a distraction from knowing everything else. As its not a journey outside but within your self.

Where do I go, where can I go, I can't leave for anywhere cos everything is a part of this unknown. Nothing is without it, outside it, beyond it. Everything is within this cosmos. Every answer is already there. We just have to dive within letting go of everything we hold onto except our self-awareness.

how do you feel in the morning?

I have made an observation during my travels. Its almost common everywhere I go. During the day I see people shuffling between all kind of moods & states. They are excited, passionate, dull, irritated, etc. By the nightfall I see some tired, exhausted or content at times. The most interesting time is when they get up. I usually get up earlier than most people I am with.
You see unless, there is a train/flight to catch or an urgent meeting, someone knocking the door, there is such a lack of enthusiasm at this point. I rarely see the welcome smile for a brand new day. There is a dullness about the morning or lack of sleep. Unless there is a very important reason to get up which has been planned earlier, there is no drive to get out of bed. I often like to ask what people do over the weekend. How does their morning begins is the most important feedback for me. I want to understand what exactly drives people everyday, what pushes them towards forthcoming events. I am specifically interested in the mornings when there is nothing planned in prior.
Isn't there anyone living their life by making their own decisions, or has everyone stopped making plans and organizing their schedule. Is it too necessary to have a plan to even get up? As far as I see we are almost as good or bad as dead for the world when we are asleep. Do we want to remain dead for as long as we can help????
Why cant our existence on its own be exciting enough to look forward to each day? I find the sunrise in itself so pleasant a time to not miss it in the morning. I dont go out in the balcony or the roof top to see it everyday. But just knowing at a moment the sun is rising right now, is such a soothing experience in itself. Fortunately for me, I rarely have days now when I have my morning planned for something. Comparing that with most people's lives I should have the least amount of zeal to get up early morning.
I mostly hear that if there is a plan for supposing 9 am in the morning then generally people just like to get up say at 8 am so that they can get ready, eat and leave. Nobody wants to have a nice and relaxed morning or at least the synonym for that is lazing in the bed.

No wonder the faces in the morning of people I often see is the dullest and lifeless. Look at your face without washing it in the mirror each morning. Look into your eyes. Ask yourself what are you doing in life and what for.
Honestly this feels like a very dull and deprived life. I hardly consider this as lifestyle of people who have chosen their own occupation/profession. It more sounds like living on a gun point. That people only move because there is no other choice. Otherwise if people who can help or have lenient schedule wouldn't wanna wake on time even on weekdays, let alone weekends.

I am sure there are days when people exhaust themselves beyond their physical/mental capacity and look forward to more rest than usual. But does sleeping extra really makes you feel energetic after you get up. I strongly doubt. I d say that sleep early if you want to catch up on missed rest. But try begin your day for no particular reason, maximum by sunrise. I wont say what difference it makes but you feel it yourself. You could try it for two weeks and find out.

You dont really need a reason for it. Just do it for yourself. Like the days you have to go to work but you dont have to actually rush your breakfast or bath. Have it like you would do on a sunday i.e. at ease. Not like you are on a mission and will be suspended for taking long. But it can only happen if you have sufficient time before you have to get onto your schedule.

The parameter to your life's current state up till now can only be known by exactly how you feel when you first open your eyes each morning. If you find it peaceful & calm then wait and check if its so for the next one hour at least. You have to spare yourself at least that much each day, don't postpone it for the day to end. You are very precious, treat yourself like that. Everything in the world is secondary & dependent to your existence and it doesn't exist if you don't.

Deprived Dreams

Go sit on your rooftop or a place open to sky without walls. Now make two lists. One of all the things you want to do, achieve or posses in your remaining life and second of all the goals & wishes you have accomplished /fulfilled already. 
Warning : The first list has endless myriad possibilities so try to hold your whims.

With the two lists in your hand close your eyes for 5-10 minutes. Now open your eyes and try to imagine the contents from list one first. Then reminisce the nostalgia from list two.

Interestingly except for a discrimination in your own mind (almost irrelevant with your present) there is not much difference in your past & future. They both have a certain formation in our mind as to what we still seek and things we sought earlier. But after succeeding at some they just become a memory we like to cherish. The once that we didnt succeed at or have recently formulated leaves us feeling deprived. Some people would like to call themselves ambitious in such a state but does it mean hanging your contentment on something uncertain & unforeseen when your present is going to remain the same. How can you just hope for the best to happen to you and not prepare for the worst. Even though they both will convert from future to present when they come and immediately become past with each passing moment. We will try to hold to it whether overjoyed or depressed but wont succeed. Its the law of nature.

Can anybody list or mention any incident that made a difference to their being and existence? In all probability it just added a feeling, a nostalgia, positive or negative. Does it really matter that much that we sacrifice our present on an assumption of life getting better one day. Isnt it or cant it be considered better already and better than what exactly, just ponder. The things you are conditioned to havent changed a bit. You still have to do the basics and you still remain conditioned to so many things. None of it really liberates you from what you are & where you are.

Kaid e hayaat o bande gham, asal mein dono ek hain,
maut se pehle aadmi gham se nijaat paaye kyo:

Gham e hasti ka asad kisse ho jujj marg ilaaj,
shama har rang mein jalti hai sahar hone tak

Whether you owned the guitar or latest tablet, you went abroad for holiday or attended a live concert, you excelled in your career or profession, found the man/woman of your dreams, got recognized for something you dedicated years to, got the latest suv, all of its net result /effect is in your mind. If you were successful or you kept striving. You are where you were before you began and irrespective of the result. It is unfortunately very inconsequential if you look slightly beneath the surface.

If only the malady would end here but till the time you have the means & measures you will again start chasing an old or new dream which keeps you deprived of satisfaction. Something that doesnt exist outside and hence doesnt depend on anything external. When everything relates to you because you exist then it has to come from within first. Why do all your actions have to be from a deprived state and not contended. Because if you are contended first then there will not be any association with the activity and hence you wont be indulged enough to forget `Your Self'. Is it not possible to do actions not backed by a motive, desire or wish? As unless it is completely self-less it is never pure action. You are just compelled by your mental state to be involved in that activity no matter what is. Its not your own willful action.

Its not very difficult to know your self without any deprivation. It may devoid you of your usual zeal temporarily but with practice & patience it will establish you in unfazed peace & satisfaction from within. You dont have to fight & strive so hard externally. You wont be indulging in activities then but only do pure action. It just requires knowing your self a bit and not just your physical attributes.

It will be not be fruitful to label your condition and try to defend it in your mind for your own sake. Whether its deprivation of love, money, emotion, comfort, care, recognition, respect, excel, food, clothes, health, shelter................................. it can go on. But as long as something else is governing you then you know you have to get away from that track of life. Start following your self from this very moment.

do you know the meaning of this dilemma?

I am not uncertain depressed or restless. it's just that there is no where I want be, nobody I want to be with, there is nothing that I want to have and I don't look forward to do any particular activity. I find it hard to determine anything substantial in things around me. there is serious dearth of anything exemplary in lives of people I know, have seen or heard.
the motivation with which everyone is headed somewhere or get by every moment of fleeting breath seems futile as whenever I look at the end result, it seems meaningless or ephemeral.

isn't there any sense or value to all this haywire. are we all too blind occupied or incapable to notice. I seem to know lot of people yet it is always so lonely inside whether I be around family friends strangers and myself. nothing makes sense anymore and it's increasing exponentially all the time. I analyse a lot  and observe too. the balance sheet always shows null results. I have often imagined how the life in my body would reach it's end and it doesn't seem to matter if it happens today or in a thousand years. as it can't take away anything or change anything. I wish to wake others up to this reality and even make attempt but don't feel it works. I try as one gotta do what one has to do.

I see the shells and cocoons built around people in which they cage the dreams they refer to as life. the harsh ways in which they are often shattered after some false gratification sometimes. but people move on so quickly that it's crazy. was prince siddarth too moved by this same realization????  or he was on a different dimension altogether. I am not sure.

the biggest best and only moments of solace I find is meditating on the universal self. the omnipresent  omnipotent omniscient. there isn't anything to understand there with this mind or to be felt with this heart yet it's so complete a state and almost impossible to describe. my physical health often holds me back from dwelling to my hearts desire. almost like I don't deserve it yet. but I can wait infinitely as there is nothing else I look forward to. I feel all this love for no one or nothing in particular. just for the existence in it's entirety.

I may sound crazy but that's how I have become now and there doesn't seem another possibility. I am useless and absolutely worthless. don't label it as negativity. it's very plain and simple and there is no harm in it. it's just the way it is or has become or always has been.

I am just searching for the meaning and purpose of my existence. it's written in the Scriptures that's it can't be found. it's just revealed to one who deserves.

How strong is your word?

We are all a generation of logic & rationals. It has given us great deal of hollowness leading to discontentment. As without sparing we look for reasons, benefits or convenience in every aspect of our lives. Nobody wants or accepts to endure even a slight bit. Thats why we constantly swap our values, preferences & priorities. Its impossible in today's date to count on anyone for his words. They are left with no meaning. There can be so many obvious factors which can stand in the way of a man's action now. No wonder we need bonds & contracts which legally bind because the man of reason would seek his convenience & analyze the benefit first. At the slightest hint of discomfort you can count on him changing his actions and even deny his words. This is often found to be root many a quarrels(court cases). Why is it so difficult to stand by your self? Why dont we feel ashamed when we act purely out of our convenience and not the need of the hour? Our societies would be alot less secure if brave men at the borders would also see situations like this. They often have difficulties hence to adjust in the sophisticated surroundings.

Look back in your past and look at your current life to see what is it that you do painstakingly without having any reason for it, it being beneficial and convenient. Its like those people who randomly help during a natural disaster & road accident. As they make an attempt to transcend these three pillars which define most of our lives. How many times have we worked extra hours only for a colleague whom we dont know well enough. If it was a senior from whom you can yield something in future then it would be a different story. Or if its a member of opposite sex then too. Charity is commendable but do we do it even if that particular month our allowances have more important personal priorities, mostly not as it forms the last thing in our budgets. As most others dont even have it in their monthly allocations. If you dont have time & money for charity and you are only occupied in making your ends meet or chase some ambition & desire. Then it would be futile to even look for a hint of service in your lives. You dont even truely serve people around you, immediate or distant relatives, long lost friends or the closed ones. Why should I do so much , he hardly ever cares? Whats the point? I am too busy that time. blah........... blah............. blah................

In most glorious love stories or ones which become a legend I have read & heard that the couple would literally die for each other. I am not saying that they will give their life just to get their love but to carry it on. A lot of you must have luckily found someone you love or someone who loves you but the enduring part is sustaining it. Well the question arises that if its true love then it will sustain on its own or last forever else you can look for a new partner. No wonder there are so many break ups & divorces around. Well love comprises of waiting for your beloved even if the chances of their return are scarce, standing guard for their actions & words and literally die for your promises made to them.

If you just look for ease or gain then life is but a trade where you are selling only whats easily available to you & only if it is the thing that gives maximum profit with least expenses. You dont have a unique selling point. There goes the meaning & sense of life out in the garbage for you. It will only increase the emptiness & void in your hearts with age. Your face would never beam with glow as your experiences in life increase. Your frustrations & uneasiness would never cease and worst thing is every time you face an uncertainty or unforeseen event you are doomed to fall very hard. As you did not learn to endure without reason. Most uncertainties, disasters & calamities happen without reasons at least unknown to common man.

We hail from a country in which ages old saying by our mythological ancestors have been "raghukul reet sada chali aayi , praan jaye par vachan na jayi". We have had people grander than life name Devrata who was eventually called Bheeshma for his vows.

We have classes in our colleges & schools only to help build our career & not our character. If only our education too played a role in embedding values & principles then those less fortunate to have a enriched upbringing wouldnt be at loss. Its a shame to look at what we have become & still striving to become. Whatever I have said above is for each one to look within him or herself and not to analyze your peers critically. As values & principles are personal. 

Awake or asleep

Some dear ones who care for me in their own way often ask me as to when will I get back to normal life. I guess I have written so before. Post accident my memory doesnt serve me better. I find myself pondering over this definition of normal. Everyone around is luckier than me it would seem as they have their normal life, targets, aims, ambitions, pursuits, priorities, interests, etc. and they are content with it. I could never find till now whats normal for me. I have tried enough and observed as well. Everything & everyone in life is so dynamic or should I say life is so dynamic around me. Its changing constantly and I cant define the pattern. Nothing is still, constant be it the weather, our body, relations, understanding, knowledge, values and even the importance of various things in our life is shifting constantly. Yeah this shifting is constant.
I have not even come across anybody who could say with conviction as how am I not living normally and they are, on the contrary. People seem to have figured out what they want but I havent. I am stuck somewhere. My dilemma is I need something to hold onto and something that can stay with me forever. Health, wealth, happiness, success, fame, possessions, relations & memories dont stay forever or dont stay the same. Their value & importance shuffles, reduces & increases. I dont know how to deal with something so fickle. I am too naive and world is too complicated.
I see my friends, family and strangers always busy & rushing towards something all the time. They seem so sorted and have found it what they always wanted or at least are trying their best. Some succeed and others dont. Some die trying and some die crying. Those who get it , start looking for new horizons.

Yet one thing I can well associate with everyone is the non-activity we all share i.e. Sleeping . The most essential part of our life. We enter in an unknown world. We forget who we are, where we are, why we are and how long we are. No knowledge & surety of waking up. We all love a long deep sleep. It makes everything comfortable & acceptable. The lack of same makes everything else worthless. Some need to exhaust themselves, a few drinks or an awesome movie, copulation or a perfect novel, all the efforts to ultimately able to sleep well. Your favorite mattress, the right temperature, may be your favorite music playing, set of pillows or cushions. Everyone loves this inactive part of our existence where there is no knowledge of our surrounding & being. As nobody is comfortable with just lying awake on their bed for eight hours in the night. Its depressing, frustrating & disastrous. Every single day of our life ends with sleep. Isnt it phenomenal that out of zillions of activities we have discovered for ourselves. Yet none can suffice for this peaceful rest. Ultimately we all rest forever when we die. Nobody wakes up from the last sleep. Wow its almost like we are practicing death every day. Somebody or something inside us decides to wake us up at some point but there comes a time when nothing works and we dont wake up at all.

I am open to suggestions if any of you sorted , confused or intelligent people can recommend as to what should I do with my life. Can we actually do something with our life or is it just happening on its own? Are we actually able to do things or even predict whats gonna unfold in near or distant future. What is the meaning of such a lost existence? The end of everyone is same whether with an epidemic, tsunami, heart failure, road accident, natural disasters or the most trivial reason. No matter what you valued most or devoted your time to, in the end it doesnt even matter.

These words may sound depressing from some school of thought but are realistic too. If you have found any meaning in anything yet and it has stayed with you. Any experience or memory that has retained it original value or glory. Are we too far gone already in the flood of life. Try being still for 90 minutes with your eyes open and body still. Just see what you go through physically & mentally. Challenge yourself or try to tinker with your otherwise organized, sorted, planned and understood life. Just see if it makes any difference in your life or anybody else's for that matter. Or things just remain as they are. Does your being here really makes any difference? Would it matter that one day you will eventually disappear from the face of this earth. Be buried or cremated. Or is it too heavy & difficult to do consciously for a very short while, what you have practiced every night in your sleep.

It will be but just one step to know your self closely, or see your self or be with your self or a side of you , you have not known yet.

The fear of abandonment & other things......

With the first advent of knowledge there is a desire to share it with someone and being recognized for it. Though gradually with time even an acknowledgment becomes precious. It doesnt matter whether your knowledge is borrowed from books or internet and in rare cases your own discovery. We constantly suffer from a deficit of our being and hence you want to lay emphasis on your own existence through every medium you come across. Since there isn’t any attribute that we specifically can call ours without sharing it with nature, an association with certain constructs or traits of mind seemingly pacifies. But the craving never ends.

The loss of free will occurs the very instant fear of abandonment seeps in. In order to be accepted just the way we are, full of joy & liberty, one tends to start being what everybody around accepts readily which in most cases doesnt match with our being. We pretend and adopt things just to become more acceptable. Its a kind of adaptability we as humans excel in. Everybody isnt gifted well with this quality hence some become miserable, losing their purity. Some do it to outsmart others while some may do due to greed or jealousy and some struggle just for an acknowledgment of their existence. Either ways it takes away your awareness and renders you in a rather mechanically cloned version. If we were born with firmwares then downloading the updates would take away half of our lives and establish world records.

Its difficult to value what cant be seen yet always is and abandon everything that can be perceived but doesn’t last.

Following this order we build layers of conditions & constructs around us forcing ourselves daily to act according to our whims & fancies. In time we start losing our most precious gift that is awareness of our selves, things around us, people around us, nature, our body & its needs. Its rare to find people aware of their mind, its functions and its need of rest. Being unaware while our mind wants to rest is sleeping and being consciously aware which gives rest to our mind is meditation. The biggest fad of our times, provided we are still active & healthy, is that sleep, dance, music, movies, sports, adventure or other recreational activities can give rest to our ever functional mind. That is why our societies have so many awards, celebrations & functions. They are a necessity to emphasize such fads.

I wonder, if in any state or country the government bans a simple need such as eating outside ones house. Would there still be huge gatherings at marriages, conferences, parties? Would we still spend time & money on dressing up and going out? Would weekends, cinema halls, malls, etc still see so much foot fall?

Its the same fear of being abandoned thats makes death scary for us. Even though no one has experienced their death themselves. We only hear about others dying but we have never felt or experienced it. As no one lives to tell how was their encounter with death. All we know is that one who dies has to abandon everything he is acquired, all relations & possessions. In other words everything & everyone abandons the one who dies. This very phenomena of being abandoned is what makes death scary to us. We dont know how to live with just ourselves and we have never learnt how to spend time with just ourselves. All we understand is spending time with help of some medium. If we are left in a room without anything except the necessities such as food &water even then our survival in such solitary confinement seems dreadful. As the question arises that there was nothing to do and the boredom of our own company was close to death. We have made our lives so conditional that we dont know any other way of living and we depend on so many man made things to survive. We have come too far away from nature.

Even after arranging, acquiring & managing all means there doesnt seem to be any end of our quests. We keep preparing for a better future which never seems to arrive. We dont try to just be who we are without any kind of dependence. The desire to be accepted by others makes us do things to avoid abandonment. In return we never understand who we are, why we are and how long we are.

Aftermath of a road mishap

There are plenty of incidents and events that do not seem logical or reasonable to us with their occurrence. Its far more easy for us if we can hold someone responsible or blame somebody for such cases. It somehow becomes acceptable. I guess thats how are basic nature is. Then again if you notice there many such times which are universally accepted such as accidents or illnesses. We calmly accept them as inevitable or pre-destined. If we slip in the bathroom then we never scold anybody for that. Or unintentionally delete or forget to save important files on computer then we dont get angry on anyone.

Then why are we so judgemental or jumpy towards conclusion if at all there is even an iota of probability of someone being responsible for the mishap that has occured. We rip a person apart, belittle them, ridicule them, make them feel ashamed or embarassed. How petty we become neglecting thousands of cases where things just happen and one cannot avoid their occurence.

Each and every incident that occurs physically is pre-ordained, we are only free to make choices in our mind and mend our outlook. You can continue to challenge or fight this fact but time and again it will stand proven to you. We must stop blaming others for anything that seems wrong in our life. We dont understand so much about our life-system. Its easy to escape our negligence by holding others responsible. Only foolish people say that you can make life as you want,  realistic people accept life as it is. You can either struggle forever to change life which includes others according to you or you can bend your attitude slightly and everything will fit in.

Another interesting experience i am having these days, since i am resting mostly. It started clearly just before the accident. It was going on inside me how our being is totally unaffected by our physical state. Projections keep changing infront of us and leading to myriad thoughts, feelings, ideas, plans & emotions. But the self remains as it is. Though i m yet to experience it during my sleep. 

So when my car's brakes failed and i saw that we are about to collide with the truck halted in the third lane. Yet there was no question or surprise inside me. It just seemed like any other mundane activity of everyday life. After the impact the pain was too strong inside the chest and blood on my face, for a moment i accepted it may be my last breath. Things began getting dark but i was not dying so i started functioning realising that this too is just a projection and hence will pass away. The situation is temporary and i am a witness. So brought my mom to consciousness and called my father for ambulance.

Its been ten days and not even once has this question arise that why did this happen. Or why is my mother so seriously hurt. When dear ones come visiting and tell me i shall get well soon. I dont know why they wish so. What is the hurry of getting rid of my current condition. How would it matter whether i take a month or 6 months time. As pain or relief both are just temporary states of our physical existence. We remain constant all the time.   

Void Everywhere

Its there inside each one of us. Some know about it and others oblivious. It can be marked from the very start of life making sense to us. The great big void. Initially it may not seem all that huge but with time as life passes by it keeps increasing.


We crave to fill it up with anything and everything we know, learn, do & experience. There is a level of false gratification but never are we able to fully fill this void. It may sound vague but can be understood by anyone who has ever introspected on their lives and the ones around. That is how we come to develop so many tastes in different individuals. There are different choices, moods, needs, wants & desires. Each one with the same objective to feel fulfilled & contented. Some times I feel pity to look around and find the constant struggle to achieve this, yet always a failure. It requires the slightest pondering to realize.

People go to many extremes to sort this out, explore and research in many ways. Everyone is looking for that one sure shot to be able to once at least get over with this turmoil. I am amazed to look at the variety of activities we have developed, I wonder if they are there to fulfill this gap or help us negate or ignore this lamented state. I have heard confessions of few friends where they mentioned realizing this only the times when they have been forcefully alone. For instance a long admittance in hospital or being bed ridden at home due to some prolonged sickness. But once over they never turn back to analyze the epiphany.

It is the resultant of this relentless state of misery which leads to hatred, greed, jealousy, infidelity, frustration, anger and other such illness. If everyone around you is struggling with the same thing then it doesn't register as a struggle to anyone. We consider and accept life like that only. Nobody questions much, except over a coffee or a drink on a late night. Sleep makes us forget it all and brings us back to square one.

Its always easier to blame other people & circumstances. Isnt it possible that somewhere we are responsible for all our maladies? It might not seem so on the surface but then nothing is clear on the surface ever, if it is then its all the more reason to doubt. If at all others were responsible then why did we ever let our guard down. You must have realized in the very first hit or hurt. We can only go on ignoring ourselves as long as we are able and active but with the last breath everyone realizes the mistake. Nobody knows if it is too late then or we get another chance in some other dimension. Well at least as far as facts go nobody has returned to confirm.

Just sit back and relax in your own company for an hour everyday. Ask yourself this question why are you doing, whatever it is that you are doing, where does it lead you, did you actually find or get what you needed, are you still striving, if you were successful then how long did the taste last? Dont be disappointed with the disheartening results.

Its not coming out a depressed mind or in a very low mood, i can assure you that whatever I have expressed here is in absolute peaceful & relaxed state .

Life Flirts! - 3rd Anniversary Journal

Its the 3rd anniversary of my beginning to pen down things on this blog.

Even the smartest wisest and most pragmatic fall prey to life. You know why? Essentially because we never chose life ourselves. Life chose us and for how long is life gonna play with our tender feelings, is an unsaid question in all of ours mind. Even if all of us are not privileged to get toys & gifts money can buy, life still enchants us with weather, trees, flowers, air, beaches, hills, etc. Nature is that aspect which spell binds us. Then comes people, friends & relatives, opportunities & success, taste & perception, fun & pleasure, but you know the harsh reality behind all of it; we cant survive even a day without getting sufficient food, water, air and sleep. The injustice doesnt end there, you need shelter, protection & security from all sorts of external adversities. Even when you manage somehow some of these all of the time or all of these some of the time, you get defeated by emotional needs, desires & expectations.

Lives there no man who has fulfilled all his desires, none who can claim there life to be complete. Its a fleeting gratification only that you can meagerly manage at times but your physical health or age boundation interrupts that too.

Life relentlessly & recklessly flirts with us all.

Only few get smitten by this bug of craving & curiosity and rush to find the truth, the actual truth and the only truth. So what is the truth actually, does anyone really wants to know the truth. Time and again i tell or at least make a genuine attempt to tell people but nobody likes to know what they need to know or hear, they despise me for that, they love me if i only speak what they want to hear. It’s such a wishful thinking that the truth would be easy to come and comprehensive. Most of us dont even want to take a single step against our mind then what possibility or probability can you imagine to know the truth that gives the power & strength to this mind which then generates all these ideas & thoughts including the one i am writing.

There is one thing which is very commonly experienced by all of us or most of the people around us , that is the desire for love or need for companionship. It comes naturally to us, nobody ever asked you , taught you, it just happens. We dont even ask why as its so overwhelming, whether you fall or rise in love, over time everyone experiences the decline, the stagnancy, but while it lasts, its the best thing we ever experienced. Most of our efforts go futile to retain it forever. The tendency to be jealous, possessive or dominate eats it up. Until it transcends the corporeal, its ill-fated and destined to descend eventually.

If you discover the sub consciously embedded love for our existence it can take you to realms you never knew existed and are eternal. A simple way to proceed towards the same is to be honest focused dedicated in our love (a wishful thinking again as our expectations are uninvited parasites).

So life flirts with us in so many ways that we cant list them all and eventually life choses death over us, ditching us in the end. Love seems like a gateway which momentarily gives us some relief but later leaves us craving for even what we got in the beginning.

This is the partial truth as its only the beginning of an ages old quest. Good luck to all those striving as i am.

The Poker of Life

Life is a casino where a never ending game of poker is being played by everyone. Nature is the dealer here. There are many different tables with the range of bets varying. Some are public and some have reserved admittance only. Different aspects of life are covered as different tables here such as family, profession, friends, socializing, sports, adventure, hobbies, relationships, etc. The bets keep increasing and decreasing. There is minimum bet on some tables which is very high and on some tables the maximum bet is fixed.

Every now and then somebody goes all out on a table hitting the max. bet and is thrown away from there. You see a constant competition amongst the players to reach to a certain table to play. To have more and more acquisition & recognition. Some succeed and some fail. Some keep returning to particular tables even after having lost everything there at some point and some never return to the same table after their first attempt. You last on some tables for very long and sometimes you barely sustain one game. Some keep borrowing and some keep lending, where as some just love to watch this misery. Its funny to watch all this combined as a spectator. To watch people engulfed in superiority of their tables and the jealousy & inferiority of others.

No matter how much you win or lose, how many times you win or lose, for however long you play on a table or keep shuffling amongst different tables. The owner of this casino decides irrespective of your game-play to just tell anyone - Sorry, your time is up, you cant play any longer and you cant even redeem the chips at the main counter. You just have to leave the casino empty handed, whatever you borrowed or lent remains behind. No matter what relations you had developed over years of gaming on different tables just left behind uselessly. You can never come back here. Everyone knows this rule here yet they are constantly fighting, struggling and making efforts to improve their game or play on higher tables or with more people.
I wonder if any of it really matters.

Eventually all players get tired of playing no matter in what state, status, level or table. No matter how much you were enjoying your win or grieving over your loss. No matter how many people you were playing with. How pathetic your game was going or you were having the best time of your game. They all get tired. Hence they have to take mandatory breaks frequently enforced by the dealer, duration varying as per your need but you have to take a break everyday that's for sure. Its something we otherwise know as sleep. People constantly keep planning their next game or strategies or alliance even during this break. It seems nobody willingly wants to relax. Some players are very clumsy & lethargic always looking for an easy hand, where as some are over enthusiastic or very ambitious. None the less they are all totally indulged in some game or the other. Some playing it fair and some trying to cheat.

After being a player myself for years and years, I saw that playing is endless and futile. It doesn't really make a difference how good or bad you play. How much you earned or lost. How many people know you or which tables you play on. What tricks and tips you have. How much experience you have. All of it mundane and inconsequential. I learned that its much more fun to just watch people play here and not to exhaust my energy on any table. To just be a wanderer in this casino and not a player. Some call me crazy, some call me fool, some call me lost, some call me a loser, where as there are plenty of others who love my company when they are shuffling between tables. It helps them get fresh ideas & perspective which at times improves their game play, or they just love to share details of how their games has been going and what plans they have for next hand. The more they realize it, more they seek to talk to me when shuffling, but rarely anyone actually asks as to what made me quit and what am I doing now ( I used to be a decent player, at least sustainable). Rather often being overwhelmed with their solicitude they make baffling demands or inquiry as to how long do I intend to stay away from the tables or its a must to play on some table to stay inside the casino. I tell them otherwise that its a secret but I have learned that its not mandatory here to play. These players are not always oblivious to the relaxed state of my being. Even they agree that they value this sense of calm and peace a lot which I have found and are dedicatedly, devotedly seeking it on some random table. I just smile. I ask them that would it be alright if the owner threw you out of the casino right now, it scares them, they always have some pretext or goal or ambition to let them play for some more time. I smile again.

Now a days I even say sometimes that I have been granted an appointment with the owner of this casino whom nobody has ever seen and he might just randomly call me at any point. If I am found playing at that instance I will miss the chance or opportunity to meet him. As no excuse will work or be accepted. You have to be absolutely free from all tables then only he will meet you. Yeah helping players in any way while they are shuffling between tables is not considered a business or pre-occupation. I love doing it. It may seem a waste of time to a lot of people who are busy in their games but to me it sounds like the most exciting idea. Who knows what all prospects and possibilities might be their when I finally get to meet the man. I am happy waiting just like you are happy playing. I don't think that should be a problem to anyone ;-).