The fear of abandonment & other things......

With the first advent of knowledge there is a desire to share it with someone and being recognized for it. Though gradually with time even an acknowledgment becomes precious. It doesnt matter whether your knowledge is borrowed from books or internet and in rare cases your own discovery. We constantly suffer from a deficit of our being and hence you want to lay emphasis on your own existence through every medium you come across. Since there isn’t any attribute that we specifically can call ours without sharing it with nature, an association with certain constructs or traits of mind seemingly pacifies. But the craving never ends.

The loss of free will occurs the very instant fear of abandonment seeps in. In order to be accepted just the way we are, full of joy & liberty, one tends to start being what everybody around accepts readily which in most cases doesnt match with our being. We pretend and adopt things just to become more acceptable. Its a kind of adaptability we as humans excel in. Everybody isnt gifted well with this quality hence some become miserable, losing their purity. Some do it to outsmart others while some may do due to greed or jealousy and some struggle just for an acknowledgment of their existence. Either ways it takes away your awareness and renders you in a rather mechanically cloned version. If we were born with firmwares then downloading the updates would take away half of our lives and establish world records.

Its difficult to value what cant be seen yet always is and abandon everything that can be perceived but doesn’t last.

Following this order we build layers of conditions & constructs around us forcing ourselves daily to act according to our whims & fancies. In time we start losing our most precious gift that is awareness of our selves, things around us, people around us, nature, our body & its needs. Its rare to find people aware of their mind, its functions and its need of rest. Being unaware while our mind wants to rest is sleeping and being consciously aware which gives rest to our mind is meditation. The biggest fad of our times, provided we are still active & healthy, is that sleep, dance, music, movies, sports, adventure or other recreational activities can give rest to our ever functional mind. That is why our societies have so many awards, celebrations & functions. They are a necessity to emphasize such fads.

I wonder, if in any state or country the government bans a simple need such as eating outside ones house. Would there still be huge gatherings at marriages, conferences, parties? Would we still spend time & money on dressing up and going out? Would weekends, cinema halls, malls, etc still see so much foot fall?

Its the same fear of being abandoned thats makes death scary for us. Even though no one has experienced their death themselves. We only hear about others dying but we have never felt or experienced it. As no one lives to tell how was their encounter with death. All we know is that one who dies has to abandon everything he is acquired, all relations & possessions. In other words everything & everyone abandons the one who dies. This very phenomena of being abandoned is what makes death scary to us. We dont know how to live with just ourselves and we have never learnt how to spend time with just ourselves. All we understand is spending time with help of some medium. If we are left in a room without anything except the necessities such as food &water even then our survival in such solitary confinement seems dreadful. As the question arises that there was nothing to do and the boredom of our own company was close to death. We have made our lives so conditional that we dont know any other way of living and we depend on so many man made things to survive. We have come too far away from nature.

Even after arranging, acquiring & managing all means there doesnt seem to be any end of our quests. We keep preparing for a better future which never seems to arrive. We dont try to just be who we are without any kind of dependence. The desire to be accepted by others makes us do things to avoid abandonment. In return we never understand who we are, why we are and how long we are.

Aftermath of a road mishap

There are plenty of incidents and events that do not seem logical or reasonable to us with their occurrence. Its far more easy for us if we can hold someone responsible or blame somebody for such cases. It somehow becomes acceptable. I guess thats how are basic nature is. Then again if you notice there many such times which are universally accepted such as accidents or illnesses. We calmly accept them as inevitable or pre-destined. If we slip in the bathroom then we never scold anybody for that. Or unintentionally delete or forget to save important files on computer then we dont get angry on anyone.

Then why are we so judgemental or jumpy towards conclusion if at all there is even an iota of probability of someone being responsible for the mishap that has occured. We rip a person apart, belittle them, ridicule them, make them feel ashamed or embarassed. How petty we become neglecting thousands of cases where things just happen and one cannot avoid their occurence.

Each and every incident that occurs physically is pre-ordained, we are only free to make choices in our mind and mend our outlook. You can continue to challenge or fight this fact but time and again it will stand proven to you. We must stop blaming others for anything that seems wrong in our life. We dont understand so much about our life-system. Its easy to escape our negligence by holding others responsible. Only foolish people say that you can make life as you want,  realistic people accept life as it is. You can either struggle forever to change life which includes others according to you or you can bend your attitude slightly and everything will fit in.

Another interesting experience i am having these days, since i am resting mostly. It started clearly just before the accident. It was going on inside me how our being is totally unaffected by our physical state. Projections keep changing infront of us and leading to myriad thoughts, feelings, ideas, plans & emotions. But the self remains as it is. Though i m yet to experience it during my sleep. 

So when my car's brakes failed and i saw that we are about to collide with the truck halted in the third lane. Yet there was no question or surprise inside me. It just seemed like any other mundane activity of everyday life. After the impact the pain was too strong inside the chest and blood on my face, for a moment i accepted it may be my last breath. Things began getting dark but i was not dying so i started functioning realising that this too is just a projection and hence will pass away. The situation is temporary and i am a witness. So brought my mom to consciousness and called my father for ambulance.

Its been ten days and not even once has this question arise that why did this happen. Or why is my mother so seriously hurt. When dear ones come visiting and tell me i shall get well soon. I dont know why they wish so. What is the hurry of getting rid of my current condition. How would it matter whether i take a month or 6 months time. As pain or relief both are just temporary states of our physical existence. We remain constant all the time.   

Void Everywhere

Its there inside each one of us. Some know about it and others oblivious. It can be marked from the very start of life making sense to us. The great big void. Initially it may not seem all that huge but with time as life passes by it keeps increasing.


We crave to fill it up with anything and everything we know, learn, do & experience. There is a level of false gratification but never are we able to fully fill this void. It may sound vague but can be understood by anyone who has ever introspected on their lives and the ones around. That is how we come to develop so many tastes in different individuals. There are different choices, moods, needs, wants & desires. Each one with the same objective to feel fulfilled & contented. Some times I feel pity to look around and find the constant struggle to achieve this, yet always a failure. It requires the slightest pondering to realize.

People go to many extremes to sort this out, explore and research in many ways. Everyone is looking for that one sure shot to be able to once at least get over with this turmoil. I am amazed to look at the variety of activities we have developed, I wonder if they are there to fulfill this gap or help us negate or ignore this lamented state. I have heard confessions of few friends where they mentioned realizing this only the times when they have been forcefully alone. For instance a long admittance in hospital or being bed ridden at home due to some prolonged sickness. But once over they never turn back to analyze the epiphany.

It is the resultant of this relentless state of misery which leads to hatred, greed, jealousy, infidelity, frustration, anger and other such illness. If everyone around you is struggling with the same thing then it doesn't register as a struggle to anyone. We consider and accept life like that only. Nobody questions much, except over a coffee or a drink on a late night. Sleep makes us forget it all and brings us back to square one.

Its always easier to blame other people & circumstances. Isnt it possible that somewhere we are responsible for all our maladies? It might not seem so on the surface but then nothing is clear on the surface ever, if it is then its all the more reason to doubt. If at all others were responsible then why did we ever let our guard down. You must have realized in the very first hit or hurt. We can only go on ignoring ourselves as long as we are able and active but with the last breath everyone realizes the mistake. Nobody knows if it is too late then or we get another chance in some other dimension. Well at least as far as facts go nobody has returned to confirm.

Just sit back and relax in your own company for an hour everyday. Ask yourself this question why are you doing, whatever it is that you are doing, where does it lead you, did you actually find or get what you needed, are you still striving, if you were successful then how long did the taste last? Dont be disappointed with the disheartening results.

Its not coming out a depressed mind or in a very low mood, i can assure you that whatever I have expressed here is in absolute peaceful & relaxed state .

Life Flirts! - 3rd Anniversary Journal

Its the 3rd anniversary of my beginning to pen down things on this blog.

Even the smartest wisest and most pragmatic fall prey to life. You know why? Essentially because we never chose life ourselves. Life chose us and for how long is life gonna play with our tender feelings, is an unsaid question in all of ours mind. Even if all of us are not privileged to get toys & gifts money can buy, life still enchants us with weather, trees, flowers, air, beaches, hills, etc. Nature is that aspect which spell binds us. Then comes people, friends & relatives, opportunities & success, taste & perception, fun & pleasure, but you know the harsh reality behind all of it; we cant survive even a day without getting sufficient food, water, air and sleep. The injustice doesnt end there, you need shelter, protection & security from all sorts of external adversities. Even when you manage somehow some of these all of the time or all of these some of the time, you get defeated by emotional needs, desires & expectations.

Lives there no man who has fulfilled all his desires, none who can claim there life to be complete. Its a fleeting gratification only that you can meagerly manage at times but your physical health or age boundation interrupts that too.

Life relentlessly & recklessly flirts with us all.

Only few get smitten by this bug of craving & curiosity and rush to find the truth, the actual truth and the only truth. So what is the truth actually, does anyone really wants to know the truth. Time and again i tell or at least make a genuine attempt to tell people but nobody likes to know what they need to know or hear, they despise me for that, they love me if i only speak what they want to hear. It’s such a wishful thinking that the truth would be easy to come and comprehensive. Most of us dont even want to take a single step against our mind then what possibility or probability can you imagine to know the truth that gives the power & strength to this mind which then generates all these ideas & thoughts including the one i am writing.

There is one thing which is very commonly experienced by all of us or most of the people around us , that is the desire for love or need for companionship. It comes naturally to us, nobody ever asked you , taught you, it just happens. We dont even ask why as its so overwhelming, whether you fall or rise in love, over time everyone experiences the decline, the stagnancy, but while it lasts, its the best thing we ever experienced. Most of our efforts go futile to retain it forever. The tendency to be jealous, possessive or dominate eats it up. Until it transcends the corporeal, its ill-fated and destined to descend eventually.

If you discover the sub consciously embedded love for our existence it can take you to realms you never knew existed and are eternal. A simple way to proceed towards the same is to be honest focused dedicated in our love (a wishful thinking again as our expectations are uninvited parasites).

So life flirts with us in so many ways that we cant list them all and eventually life choses death over us, ditching us in the end. Love seems like a gateway which momentarily gives us some relief but later leaves us craving for even what we got in the beginning.

This is the partial truth as its only the beginning of an ages old quest. Good luck to all those striving as i am.