the theatre of my life

Every now and then I bump into people who know I used to be a part of theatre once. Nobody fails to ask me why did I quit theatre.
Are we all not part of a theatre only? I may not be performing on one stage now but rest everywhere I am performing.
The biggest blunder I think I did was I always got too carried away with the character and thought that my co-actor is serious about his role. Everyone I met on stage seemed so true and needing my cooperation to play their part. But I never knew it was all fictitious. I played all the roles but I got too involved everytime and hence I was left behind the curtains sometimes and sometimes on the stage itself without lights when everyone has left.


It has been easy to forget the short lived or momentary roles I played. The ones thats stretched even for a few months remained buried in my heart till now. The irony is some characters I performed for more than ten years, the remains are left now and are very painful. I think I am dumb.
There are goofs in every play and the co-actor always helps. Sometimes you have to add lines on stage to make the show go on, yet at times your very important lines are skipped by the co-actor. You never know whether it happened by mistake or deliberately.
Everyone seems to be seeking the extra round of applause or the extra line to deliver at any cost. Now a days no one is happy working back stage or being a prop on the stage. I fell for it many times and let others have that golden chance we all need or seek, my mistake is that I waited back stage for that person to come and acknowledge with slightest gratitude. Nobody looks back. The audience only recognises the shining star and so do your co-actors.
I am such a sucker to have loved each and everyone who was part of the crew. I valued every character, no matter on or off stage. I never minded fetching a glass of water even for the runners. Somewhere in my heart I still wait for them to recall me or return to say hello.

Its only after the lights are off and curtains are drawn that reality strikes me, pack up and leave. You are part is over, you are not required right now. You will be called for when you are needed. You just wish for one more show of the same play, no matter if its fake but at least you will be able to live that character once again and with the same co-actors. A wishful thinking. But the show goes on, everywhere you see, everyone you see is part of the theatre, playing their characters, but noone knows whats behind the mask, what the person is actually behind the role they are playing. Dont ever fall for it, like i did several or most of the times.

The funny thing is nobody knows the director or the script writer but you often hear people coming in a rush and just uttering the magic words. Okay the director wants you to..................as per the script you have to..................
Being a loser may be, I finally stopped participating and started looking for the director & the script writer. Where are they, are we all puppets in their hands, for how long do we have to carry on like this, I have become reluctant to all the imposed roles now. I am little a sad on having to first time shun all the actors, the stage, the lights, the curtains, some how it was fun to be ignorant but it used to hurt a lot. Let see where I get.

Is there anything such as unconditional love?

Have you ever felt the need for unconditional affection. Most of us do. Those who dont are not actually beyond the normal human but they are getting their share already in abundance but unknowingly.
We dont like to disturbed sometimes and be on our own engrossed in anything that requires solitude. For instance while travelling some of us dont want to be disturbed by co-passengers, while some people prefer company. They both are same in my opinion. As they both are seeking outside. Peace or company.

All our lives we are following somebody. Initially its our parents or family, then its our school teachers, professors, classmates, roomates, landlords, tenants, etc. Later either its your boss at the office or your employees. Even when we go out to buy the basic most things or something luxurious, we expect or seek certain behaviour from the shopkeeper or sales staff. We want to be attended in the way we want. Either people to recognise us for who we are, respect us for what we are and how we are, or simply to be able to share what we have or what we have known. Arnt we just a pile of collected information and exposure gained due to our upbringing, surrounding and company.
But certain basic instincts we get naturally which are common throughout the human race. Like eating, drinking, sleeping, etc. There are so many various relations we develop personally, professionally or situational. We want conscientious behaviour by others. The reality is that most of us either dont give what we seek from others and sometimes even when we are doing the same in the best of our knowledge, people react differently or indifferent.
If every sweet thing on earth constitutes of sugar at base, yet they all taste different. The same is the case in our association with various people, its the unconditional love or affection. I dont see any difference in relations between parents-child, teacher-student, friends, lovers, strangers, passengers, siblings, cousins, relatives, boss-employee, etc. They all comprise of the same love that binds two humans. It provides us the sense of belonging or keeps us aware of our existence.
Imagine getting up one day to find noone alive on this entire earth, humans, animals, birds, insects, etc. what would life be then. But thats not the case right now. We all develop certain expectations naturally wherever there is any other concerned. We dont want to be judged completely by circumstances or our knowledge in a particular field, our reactions to a certain situation. We want to be accepted deep within just the way we are, nothing associated to us, just our existence. Isnt this existence common with everything thats living around us. Look around yourself, isnt it just the existence purely thats common in each one of us irrespective of cast, creed, species, location, age, gender, etc.
Nothing is constant around and yet we seek the constant all the time. Things change and people change with time constantly but this change is the constant factor only. We all hear words uttered by someone which make or break us sometimes, yet sometimes we just casually listen to words in various forms. Have you come acrossed anybody sticking to their words for too long. Each one around is dependent on circumstances, situations, convenience or some other external factor. Are we not alone always with just a bundle of expectations and various other thoughts.
Would you just choose to ignore it and move on like a cattle of sheep. Nobody wants to get hurt or chooses to get hurt but yet we do get hurt, we do get let down, we are taken for granted enumerous times. Yet we cant do nothing about it. We dont want people to misunderstand us but it happens all the time. We dont want to ever fail at something we put our heart & mind to completely, yet we dont succeed all the time. We dont choose to become fond of anyone more than ourselves but we do like people sometimes more than we can help, yet they are not always with us. Even the basic most things such as sleep & hunger are not entirely in our control.

Inspite of all the above conflicts, confusions, turbulence & turmoil there is one factor constant and common always. It is our real self inside our mind and body. It has been the same from our childhood till now. Its never bored or tired. Its the same in your joy-sorrow, active-inactive, sleep, rest, work, pain-pleasure, every state you possible can be in. Its what keeps us alive and proof of our existence. If the self or this life is taken out of our body, we are dead or lifeless. How many of us actually care to love our self purely as it is. Whatever may happen or change outside, but inside the self remains the same. When everyone around would give regard to this self or life present in all of us, wont there be peace, love, care, bliss, understanding, respect, appreciation around. We wouldnt need political parties, courts, police, army, navy, borders. It can only begin for each one on their own. Not by looking outside for a change but dwelling inside with the constant. The earth will be full of saints, sages, monks, ascetics, friars, mendicants, lovers, givers, pragmatics, rationals, upright, righteous people. Isnt that a true paradise of which we often get glimpses of. A life full of unconditional love.