Deprived Dreams

Go sit on your rooftop or a place open to sky without walls. Now make two lists. One of all the things you want to do, achieve or posses in your remaining life and second of all the goals & wishes you have accomplished /fulfilled already. 
Warning : The first list has endless myriad possibilities so try to hold your whims.

With the two lists in your hand close your eyes for 5-10 minutes. Now open your eyes and try to imagine the contents from list one first. Then reminisce the nostalgia from list two.

Interestingly except for a discrimination in your own mind (almost irrelevant with your present) there is not much difference in your past & future. They both have a certain formation in our mind as to what we still seek and things we sought earlier. But after succeeding at some they just become a memory we like to cherish. The once that we didnt succeed at or have recently formulated leaves us feeling deprived. Some people would like to call themselves ambitious in such a state but does it mean hanging your contentment on something uncertain & unforeseen when your present is going to remain the same. How can you just hope for the best to happen to you and not prepare for the worst. Even though they both will convert from future to present when they come and immediately become past with each passing moment. We will try to hold to it whether overjoyed or depressed but wont succeed. Its the law of nature.

Can anybody list or mention any incident that made a difference to their being and existence? In all probability it just added a feeling, a nostalgia, positive or negative. Does it really matter that much that we sacrifice our present on an assumption of life getting better one day. Isnt it or cant it be considered better already and better than what exactly, just ponder. The things you are conditioned to havent changed a bit. You still have to do the basics and you still remain conditioned to so many things. None of it really liberates you from what you are & where you are.

Kaid e hayaat o bande gham, asal mein dono ek hain,
maut se pehle aadmi gham se nijaat paaye kyo:

Gham e hasti ka asad kisse ho jujj marg ilaaj,
shama har rang mein jalti hai sahar hone tak

Whether you owned the guitar or latest tablet, you went abroad for holiday or attended a live concert, you excelled in your career or profession, found the man/woman of your dreams, got recognized for something you dedicated years to, got the latest suv, all of its net result /effect is in your mind. If you were successful or you kept striving. You are where you were before you began and irrespective of the result. It is unfortunately very inconsequential if you look slightly beneath the surface.

If only the malady would end here but till the time you have the means & measures you will again start chasing an old or new dream which keeps you deprived of satisfaction. Something that doesnt exist outside and hence doesnt depend on anything external. When everything relates to you because you exist then it has to come from within first. Why do all your actions have to be from a deprived state and not contended. Because if you are contended first then there will not be any association with the activity and hence you wont be indulged enough to forget `Your Self'. Is it not possible to do actions not backed by a motive, desire or wish? As unless it is completely self-less it is never pure action. You are just compelled by your mental state to be involved in that activity no matter what is. Its not your own willful action.

Its not very difficult to know your self without any deprivation. It may devoid you of your usual zeal temporarily but with practice & patience it will establish you in unfazed peace & satisfaction from within. You dont have to fight & strive so hard externally. You wont be indulging in activities then but only do pure action. It just requires knowing your self a bit and not just your physical attributes.

It will be not be fruitful to label your condition and try to defend it in your mind for your own sake. Whether its deprivation of love, money, emotion, comfort, care, recognition, respect, excel, food, clothes, health, shelter................................. it can go on. But as long as something else is governing you then you know you have to get away from that track of life. Start following your self from this very moment.

do you know the meaning of this dilemma?

I am not uncertain depressed or restless. it's just that there is no where I want be, nobody I want to be with, there is nothing that I want to have and I don't look forward to do any particular activity. I find it hard to determine anything substantial in things around me. there is serious dearth of anything exemplary in lives of people I know, have seen or heard.
the motivation with which everyone is headed somewhere or get by every moment of fleeting breath seems futile as whenever I look at the end result, it seems meaningless or ephemeral.

isn't there any sense or value to all this haywire. are we all too blind occupied or incapable to notice. I seem to know lot of people yet it is always so lonely inside whether I be around family friends strangers and myself. nothing makes sense anymore and it's increasing exponentially all the time. I analyse a lot  and observe too. the balance sheet always shows null results. I have often imagined how the life in my body would reach it's end and it doesn't seem to matter if it happens today or in a thousand years. as it can't take away anything or change anything. I wish to wake others up to this reality and even make attempt but don't feel it works. I try as one gotta do what one has to do.

I see the shells and cocoons built around people in which they cage the dreams they refer to as life. the harsh ways in which they are often shattered after some false gratification sometimes. but people move on so quickly that it's crazy. was prince siddarth too moved by this same realization????  or he was on a different dimension altogether. I am not sure.

the biggest best and only moments of solace I find is meditating on the universal self. the omnipresent  omnipotent omniscient. there isn't anything to understand there with this mind or to be felt with this heart yet it's so complete a state and almost impossible to describe. my physical health often holds me back from dwelling to my hearts desire. almost like I don't deserve it yet. but I can wait infinitely as there is nothing else I look forward to. I feel all this love for no one or nothing in particular. just for the existence in it's entirety.

I may sound crazy but that's how I have become now and there doesn't seem another possibility. I am useless and absolutely worthless. don't label it as negativity. it's very plain and simple and there is no harm in it. it's just the way it is or has become or always has been.

I am just searching for the meaning and purpose of my existence. it's written in the Scriptures that's it can't be found. it's just revealed to one who deserves.

How strong is your word?

We are all a generation of logic & rationals. It has given us great deal of hollowness leading to discontentment. As without sparing we look for reasons, benefits or convenience in every aspect of our lives. Nobody wants or accepts to endure even a slight bit. Thats why we constantly swap our values, preferences & priorities. Its impossible in today's date to count on anyone for his words. They are left with no meaning. There can be so many obvious factors which can stand in the way of a man's action now. No wonder we need bonds & contracts which legally bind because the man of reason would seek his convenience & analyze the benefit first. At the slightest hint of discomfort you can count on him changing his actions and even deny his words. This is often found to be root many a quarrels(court cases). Why is it so difficult to stand by your self? Why dont we feel ashamed when we act purely out of our convenience and not the need of the hour? Our societies would be alot less secure if brave men at the borders would also see situations like this. They often have difficulties hence to adjust in the sophisticated surroundings.

Look back in your past and look at your current life to see what is it that you do painstakingly without having any reason for it, it being beneficial and convenient. Its like those people who randomly help during a natural disaster & road accident. As they make an attempt to transcend these three pillars which define most of our lives. How many times have we worked extra hours only for a colleague whom we dont know well enough. If it was a senior from whom you can yield something in future then it would be a different story. Or if its a member of opposite sex then too. Charity is commendable but do we do it even if that particular month our allowances have more important personal priorities, mostly not as it forms the last thing in our budgets. As most others dont even have it in their monthly allocations. If you dont have time & money for charity and you are only occupied in making your ends meet or chase some ambition & desire. Then it would be futile to even look for a hint of service in your lives. You dont even truely serve people around you, immediate or distant relatives, long lost friends or the closed ones. Why should I do so much , he hardly ever cares? Whats the point? I am too busy that time. blah........... blah............. blah................

In most glorious love stories or ones which become a legend I have read & heard that the couple would literally die for each other. I am not saying that they will give their life just to get their love but to carry it on. A lot of you must have luckily found someone you love or someone who loves you but the enduring part is sustaining it. Well the question arises that if its true love then it will sustain on its own or last forever else you can look for a new partner. No wonder there are so many break ups & divorces around. Well love comprises of waiting for your beloved even if the chances of their return are scarce, standing guard for their actions & words and literally die for your promises made to them.

If you just look for ease or gain then life is but a trade where you are selling only whats easily available to you & only if it is the thing that gives maximum profit with least expenses. You dont have a unique selling point. There goes the meaning & sense of life out in the garbage for you. It will only increase the emptiness & void in your hearts with age. Your face would never beam with glow as your experiences in life increase. Your frustrations & uneasiness would never cease and worst thing is every time you face an uncertainty or unforeseen event you are doomed to fall very hard. As you did not learn to endure without reason. Most uncertainties, disasters & calamities happen without reasons at least unknown to common man.

We hail from a country in which ages old saying by our mythological ancestors have been "raghukul reet sada chali aayi , praan jaye par vachan na jayi". We have had people grander than life name Devrata who was eventually called Bheeshma for his vows.

We have classes in our colleges & schools only to help build our career & not our character. If only our education too played a role in embedding values & principles then those less fortunate to have a enriched upbringing wouldnt be at loss. Its a shame to look at what we have become & still striving to become. Whatever I have said above is for each one to look within him or herself and not to analyze your peers critically. As values & principles are personal. 

Awake or asleep

Some dear ones who care for me in their own way often ask me as to when will I get back to normal life. I guess I have written so before. Post accident my memory doesnt serve me better. I find myself pondering over this definition of normal. Everyone around is luckier than me it would seem as they have their normal life, targets, aims, ambitions, pursuits, priorities, interests, etc. and they are content with it. I could never find till now whats normal for me. I have tried enough and observed as well. Everything & everyone in life is so dynamic or should I say life is so dynamic around me. Its changing constantly and I cant define the pattern. Nothing is still, constant be it the weather, our body, relations, understanding, knowledge, values and even the importance of various things in our life is shifting constantly. Yeah this shifting is constant.
I have not even come across anybody who could say with conviction as how am I not living normally and they are, on the contrary. People seem to have figured out what they want but I havent. I am stuck somewhere. My dilemma is I need something to hold onto and something that can stay with me forever. Health, wealth, happiness, success, fame, possessions, relations & memories dont stay forever or dont stay the same. Their value & importance shuffles, reduces & increases. I dont know how to deal with something so fickle. I am too naive and world is too complicated.
I see my friends, family and strangers always busy & rushing towards something all the time. They seem so sorted and have found it what they always wanted or at least are trying their best. Some succeed and others dont. Some die trying and some die crying. Those who get it , start looking for new horizons.

Yet one thing I can well associate with everyone is the non-activity we all share i.e. Sleeping . The most essential part of our life. We enter in an unknown world. We forget who we are, where we are, why we are and how long we are. No knowledge & surety of waking up. We all love a long deep sleep. It makes everything comfortable & acceptable. The lack of same makes everything else worthless. Some need to exhaust themselves, a few drinks or an awesome movie, copulation or a perfect novel, all the efforts to ultimately able to sleep well. Your favorite mattress, the right temperature, may be your favorite music playing, set of pillows or cushions. Everyone loves this inactive part of our existence where there is no knowledge of our surrounding & being. As nobody is comfortable with just lying awake on their bed for eight hours in the night. Its depressing, frustrating & disastrous. Every single day of our life ends with sleep. Isnt it phenomenal that out of zillions of activities we have discovered for ourselves. Yet none can suffice for this peaceful rest. Ultimately we all rest forever when we die. Nobody wakes up from the last sleep. Wow its almost like we are practicing death every day. Somebody or something inside us decides to wake us up at some point but there comes a time when nothing works and we dont wake up at all.

I am open to suggestions if any of you sorted , confused or intelligent people can recommend as to what should I do with my life. Can we actually do something with our life or is it just happening on its own? Are we actually able to do things or even predict whats gonna unfold in near or distant future. What is the meaning of such a lost existence? The end of everyone is same whether with an epidemic, tsunami, heart failure, road accident, natural disasters or the most trivial reason. No matter what you valued most or devoted your time to, in the end it doesnt even matter.

These words may sound depressing from some school of thought but are realistic too. If you have found any meaning in anything yet and it has stayed with you. Any experience or memory that has retained it original value or glory. Are we too far gone already in the flood of life. Try being still for 90 minutes with your eyes open and body still. Just see what you go through physically & mentally. Challenge yourself or try to tinker with your otherwise organized, sorted, planned and understood life. Just see if it makes any difference in your life or anybody else's for that matter. Or things just remain as they are. Does your being here really makes any difference? Would it matter that one day you will eventually disappear from the face of this earth. Be buried or cremated. Or is it too heavy & difficult to do consciously for a very short while, what you have practiced every night in your sleep.

It will be but just one step to know your self closely, or see your self or be with your self or a side of you , you have not known yet.