do you know the meaning of this dilemma?

I am not uncertain depressed or restless. it's just that there is no where I want be, nobody I want to be with, there is nothing that I want to have and I don't look forward to do any particular activity. I find it hard to determine anything substantial in things around me. there is serious dearth of anything exemplary in lives of people I know, have seen or heard.
the motivation with which everyone is headed somewhere or get by every moment of fleeting breath seems futile as whenever I look at the end result, it seems meaningless or ephemeral.

isn't there any sense or value to all this haywire. are we all too blind occupied or incapable to notice. I seem to know lot of people yet it is always so lonely inside whether I be around family friends strangers and myself. nothing makes sense anymore and it's increasing exponentially all the time. I analyse a lot  and observe too. the balance sheet always shows null results. I have often imagined how the life in my body would reach it's end and it doesn't seem to matter if it happens today or in a thousand years. as it can't take away anything or change anything. I wish to wake others up to this reality and even make attempt but don't feel it works. I try as one gotta do what one has to do.

I see the shells and cocoons built around people in which they cage the dreams they refer to as life. the harsh ways in which they are often shattered after some false gratification sometimes. but people move on so quickly that it's crazy. was prince siddarth too moved by this same realization????  or he was on a different dimension altogether. I am not sure.

the biggest best and only moments of solace I find is meditating on the universal self. the omnipresent  omnipotent omniscient. there isn't anything to understand there with this mind or to be felt with this heart yet it's so complete a state and almost impossible to describe. my physical health often holds me back from dwelling to my hearts desire. almost like I don't deserve it yet. but I can wait infinitely as there is nothing else I look forward to. I feel all this love for no one or nothing in particular. just for the existence in it's entirety.

I may sound crazy but that's how I have become now and there doesn't seem another possibility. I am useless and absolutely worthless. don't label it as negativity. it's very plain and simple and there is no harm in it. it's just the way it is or has become or always has been.

I am just searching for the meaning and purpose of my existence. it's written in the Scriptures that's it can't be found. it's just revealed to one who deserves.